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A Survival Guide to Alfie, the Horrifying Cat

Remember Cats, the 2019 Tom Hooper-directed movie musical? It broke the internet with its creepy human-cat hybrids. Now, meet Alfie, the four-legged terror of Argylle.

The Initial Shock and Anger

Alfie looks like an actual cat at first glance, but upon closer inspection, it’s clear that something is off. His movements are unnatural, his mouth looks strange, and his paws seem odd. It’s an unsettling choice to CG every shot of this cat, and it’s clear that Alfie is nothing but a cat-poster.

Coming to Terms with a Feline Hellspawn

Alfie is a real cat, the pet of Argylle director Matthew Vaughn’s daughter. His breed, Scottish Fold, is known for its exorbitant costs and significant health issues. Alfie’s real name is Chip, and while he may have been on set for some scenes, his performance is heavily digitized.

The Litter Box Dilemma

As a cat owner, you can’t help but wonder where Alfie uses the litter box. He spends 95% of the film in a backpack with a bubble-shaped window, so it’s clear that he’s forced to relieve himself in the same backpack.

Acceptance

After hours of being mostly innocuous, Alfie reveals his true intentions. He kills a vicious spymaster in a brutal death-by-eye-gouge. It’s here we see the demon in his final form, snarling at the camera, teeth unsheathed, and ready for murder.

Conclusion

Alfie is a horrifying feline monstrosity that will haunt your dreams. But eventually, you’ll come to accept that this furry little hellion will come for us all.